Can I hear an Amen?

I talk to a friend who leads a rather jet-set life who has rubbed shoulders with well-known politicos, heiresses, and even the token rock star (she would never drop names, but I would, and she literally had dinner with Bono).

She wants same-ness — to be in her house and not in some five-star hotel for months on end where she is transported to and fro by a driver. She wants to make eggs in the morning for breakfast and to feed the fish in her backyard pond instead of living away, where there is no kitchen and no chores to do. We in many ways live polar opposite lives but find commonality in our friendship and desire for contentment that’s not dependent on circumstance.

I want a little bit of what she has as I slog through days filled with sameness of housekeeping and children (at times happy and crying), among other tasks and routines.

She asks me when we talk, “What are you waiting for?”

“Nothing,” I answer because I know that I am simply called to be where I am; to sit in this life, this lot, this divinely appointed provision which leads me to be both filled and wanting, and to find comfort there. 

I may sound downcast, and I am, but I am also thankful a million times over.

I have looked in other places at other times in my life for the escape route. And I have found that escaping is no answer. My best line these days is, “There’s no answer” because even in Jesus, where I hope to abide, trouble or sorrow or difficulty is not taken away.

And yet.

It occurs to me that many of the references to rock in the Bible (as in the Lord is my rock) denote not some massive boulder that you have to throw yourself upon to cling to, but a crag, which offers a narrower point of entry. Think rock climbing and how you must find safety in an inch(es)-wide outcropping for your hands to grab or feet to land on.

I tried rock climbing once long before marriage and children, and though I climbed up a rock face that was no more than thirty or forty feet high, finding the right crag or crevice was everything. I bordered on being afraid of the height, and climbing, for me then, was slow going.

This is the kind of protection or provision that God provides: incremental and at times moment-by-moment. And in this context, Psalm 61 makes more sense, as it petitions, “Lead me to the rock that is higher than I.”

A freedom-loving friend has encouraged me to see that I don’t have to DO anything but receive the gift of God that has already been given. What mercy and what grace, especially when I feel so bound to circumstances.

I remember all this in the many imperfect moments. I find a crag through some kind of arrow-like prayer that sustains me (this, even though I may find myself in tears). But good things are coming too. Mathilde turning four in just a few days. End of school and more free time for summer. It’s joy and sorrow both. Help and mercy.

And all of it, small.

When I was in elementary school — maybe in the third grade — I had a teacher who looked like Catherine Deneuve whose sole purpose I think was to instill in her students a love of writing, reading, and books. To this day, I credit Ms. Goodall with any identity I have as a writer and reader.

(One person really can make a difference in another’s life!)

This year, Liesl has been blessed to have a first-grade teacher who is of the same mold. Ms. Kelly has her class work on writing every day. Once stories are written, illustrated and published, they are ready for an audience. That is where the authors’ tea comes in.

Yesterday parents and grandparents came to hear the students read their work. Tables were set with pretty floral cloths and food and drink. Throughout the year, students have been trained to serve their guests refreshments before they serve themselves, and the echo of those little voices asking their guests if they’d like a plate of goodies was only one testament to Ms. Kelly’s good work (not only in teaching academics but in encouraging respect and manners in the students, too!). For our part, we brought banana bread, and this vegan version has become my favorite recipe to make where banana bread is concerned.

Vegan Banana Bread

Ingredients:

1/3 c vegetable oil

1/2 c sugar

1 tsp cinnamon

1/8 tsp nutmeg

1 tsp baking soda

1 tsp baking powder

1 tsp salt

4-5 mashed ripe bananas

2 T flax meal

6 T warm water (to mix flax meal in)

2 1/4 c flour (use any combination of King Arthur white and whole wheat)

Preheat oven to 350. Oil bread pan (9x5). In bowl combine dry ingredients. In separate bowl, mix oil and bananas. Add in the flax meal and water mixture. Slowly add the dry ingredients to the wet and stir to combine. Pour into loaf pan. Bake for 45 minutes or until center is done. Cool for a few minutes then turn onto wire rack to cool completely.

*Variation: instead of nutmeg, add 1-2 teaspoons of hot chocolate powder. This is the way I made it yesterday, and it was delicious.